Oxfordity

So much to say, I'm going to have to be concise.

I like Oxford. A lot. This doesn't convey what I mean.... it's like an almost viscoral reaction: this is where everything has happened. Even though that's not really true... When I first got there and Renata was showing me around, I was starting to think, maybe I made the wrong decision not to even apply here beyond the Rhodes.... and to remember that the first time I looked at the Oxford website with thoughts of going there to grad school, tears literally came into my eyes I wanted it so much. But on much reflection, I decided I made the right decision. Oxford is a wonderful place to visit, and if I possibly can I will do research there, if not this year then later, but Birmingham is what I need this year. And Birmingham is wonderful in many ways that Oxford--at least as far as I can tell, and I won't pretend to have plummed its depths--isn't. For instance--and I'm just going to do this briefly not to knock Oxford but to give you some sense of Bham--Birmingham is really a city, and the university, while having a distinct campus, is definitely part of that city. Walking from the main quad back to my flat this morning, a car stopped and asked me (well, its driver asked me) how to get to the Edgbaston Golf Club. I had no idea, but that gives you some sense of the somewhat integration of city and uni. Oh, and I pass uniformed schoolkids going home on my way to the quad sometimes. Oxford seems to be very ivory tower and walled campus. Which is attractive to me, but that very attraction is one of the reasons I think it's good for me to be away from it, at least for this year. There is actually a world outside of the library, and I want to experience it while not being swallowed up by it. If that isn't too horribly cliche. Does that make any sense?

So, it was lovely to walk around Oxford. I have definitely fallen in love with it, and I look forward to returning. I am more resolute than ever that I want to do research at the Bod this year. My tutor as much as told me that that would be a good idea, and I think she's absolutely right. Hurrah.

And it was lovely to see Renata. Sooo good. A bit of home, a bit of Vassar, but more than that. A friend, a real one whom I've known for over a month and whom I trust and to whom I don't have to explain a lot of things. But it's interesting--I was expecting to miss Vassar a lot when I saw her, and I actually didn't. It's been stealing over me the last week or two.... I told Stephanie when we were walking home from the grocery store on Friday that if someone appeared with a magic wand and told me I could go back to Vassar and live on campus and take classes and be a student, I would say no. I mean, it was still a wonderful place for me and I love it intensely and tell anyone and everyone here who'll listen as much, but I'm ready for graduate work. I like it. And I like living in a city--although that doesn't mean I necessarily want to continue to do so.

So, I've told you a lot about introspection, but not a lot about Oxford. Well, what can I really say about it that hasn't been said a hundred times? Prettiness... Oh, and Renata showed my Blackwell's. They're a bookstore. An amazing bookstore. I love them. As I said to Renata, a piece of my heart will stay there. I... can't really describe it.... Floors and floors. Rare books. New books. Used books. Huge stock. Beautiful displays. History. In the sense that the bookstore itself is an institution. Like everything in Oxford, for better or for worse, it seems to me.

Quick note about today. We had the first real meeting of the Postgraduate Forum. A professor from Smith gave a talk about his upcoming book about visits to or invocations of spirits from hell in 20th-century poetry. Very good talk. I was really impressed. I hope I can someday learn to give a talk like that--very organized and focused and well-articulated with an easy manner and a sense of humor. When will I ever be organized or focused? Afterwards, he opened it up for questions, and only the faculty was (were? Was. I think) asking questions, and I kept thinking, a student should ask a question; he's probably come here partly to see what Bham students are like; I remember going to Kyoto with Mom and Dad and the students didn't ask questions after the talks and they were disappointed; I should ask a question, but I can't think of anything.... and then, suddenly during a question posed by my advisor, I thought of a question, and I raised my hand to ask it. He didn't see my hand, but I determined to ask it at the next opportunity. I got really nervous; my heart was pounding and my arms fell asleep. I don't normally get this nervous about speaking in public. I asked the question, although it took a few goes to get my voice working--I have a cold. It's kind of hard to explain the question without explaining his talk and I've gone on far too long already, but basically I pointed out that one element of his talk didn't fit very neatly in with his thesis and thematic material, and I suggested a way in which it might relate. He picked up on it, and actually came up to me in the pub afterward and said it was a very good question and he hadn't thought of it that way before. That was what he'd said to a few of the faculty members as well--made me feel grown-up. Or something.

Ok; don't know if that was concise (who was just talking about organization and focus?), but it's my couple o' days.